Gratitude.  Why is it that we must go through difficult times in order to truly appreciate the blessings that the Lord has poured out upon us?  I wonder if there is a way to experience the blessings without the difficulty.  If there is, Lord, I am asking for it now.

The trick with it all is that I would not change the difficulties or ask God to take them away at all because of the lessons that I have learned along the way.  The joy that comes through the trial.  The praise to stand and truly say, “Lord, you have done it all.”

I know it is April, but I find myself looking back over 2014 with amazement that I survived.  My sweet baby girl, which took about five years to make (fertility problems if you don’t understand that… J), had her first and second surgeries to repair her cleft lip, cleft palate and collapsed nose.  Her first surgery was when she was two months old, so you can imagine, I was a basket case.  Not only with the normal postpartum madness, but then the only baby that the Lord has given us is now again in the Hands of the One who made her…

After the first surgery, the recovery was very difficult.  Georgia could not have a bottle for seven days.  All of her feedings had to be done by syringe.  Also, her hands could not go into her mouth at all.  When she was not being held, she had to have her arms in restraints so that her hands couldn’t pull out her stitches.  After seven days, she went back to the hospital to be put to sleep again to have the stitches removed.   Needless to say, it was quite the rodeo.  All of our family and close friends were nearby helping with feedings or spending the night to take care of her so that we could get some sleep.  Plus the tons of people who so graciously prepared meals for us so that we wouldn’t starve to death.  Because we would’ve… I wasn’t cooking, that WAS CERTAIN.   I could barely tell you my name.  I am truly blessed with a supernatural biological family, and a wonderfully gracious forever family!  Words cannot express the gratitude that I have for all of those who participated in giving acts of love towards us during those times.  Plus the magnitude of prayer warriors fighting for us and interceding for us.  I am truly thankful.

And then we finally got settled and somewhat comfortable with being parents of a baby girl, another surgery.  This time I decided I had to prepare myself spiritually so that I could face all that was ahead.  I remember having a conversation with the Lord and I told him that Georgia was His baby girl.  He knew her better than we did.  He loved her better than we could ever.  (And I love her more than anything!)  But He still loves her more.  And I remember telling her that if He needed to take her, if He desired to gain glory for Himself by her spending just a short time with us, then He would have to be there to hold me together, but I truly want what He wants and wills.  In that moment, I laid it all down.  I remember thinking that I was somewhat crazy for saying these words to God, but at the same time I had a tremendous sense of peace.  A peace that can only be described by the act of the Living God filling me with His Living Spirit and bringing what He brings best, peace.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have had my moments of anger and frustration, doubt and despair, but The Lord was greater.  The Lord’s grace and mercy was greater.  The Lord’s love for me was greater.  The Lord’s desire for my humility was greater.  The Lord’s desire for my sanctification is greater.  The Lord is greater.

“In order for God to give us what He wants to give us, we must first decrease.  Our plans, our desires, our wants must decrease so that He can fill us with more of Himself.  This is the mystery of growth- spiritual growth.  In order to get less of yourself, God has to break you.  He has to take you through broken seasons and circumstances, mountains and deserts so that He can humble you” says Jim Cymbala in a recent sermon called Receive.

He must become greater and I must become less.  John 3:30.  So, it looks like I am going to be having a few more storms, a few more trials to lead me to where He wants me to be.  And when I become less, He becomes greater and the gratitude flows.

I’ve been told all of my life that I am supposed to take care of myself.  This “American Dream” is always pushed.  This “woman’s rights” movement is all around.  Even at church, no one says it out loud, but everyone pushes “responsibility” and “acting like an adult.”  But lately, I am torn as to what those phrases really mean.  How does the American dream and being a Christian in 2015 America collide?  How does it look to have “woman’s rights” and submit to your husband?  What does it mean to be “responsible” and take up your cross daily?  It just doesn’t feel like they work together….  I am the queen of asking questions without ever really getting a response.  At least not a response that is comfortable.

A few weeks ago as I was preparing my heart for Easter, I was overcome with a sense of conviction.  I was overwhelmed with how my heart has drifted, ever so slightly from what I truly claim to be.   The Lord continued to tell me that “I had bought the lie.”  And as I pondered every day, literally it felt like every day, what that meant, I found that I was becoming more and more frustrated with myself.  I had done more than bought the lie, I have completely adapted to a lifestyle that is completely focused upon myself.  I am definitely not taking up my cross… I am not anywhere close to a cross.  I am a consumer.  I am a consumer of church.  I am a consumer of stuff.  I am a consumer of anything and everything my heart desires.  I am so much of a consumer that I don’t even realize that I continue to feed the flesh every single day without even thinking.

I consume.

I drive the car that I’ve always wanted.  If I see a dress or a pair of shoes I want, I buy them.  If I am hungry, I immediately buy something to eat.  If a new IPhone comes out, I must have it.  If I don’t like my skin color, I go to the tanning bed (which I have done even since this massive conviction has started.)  If I want to go on vacation, I go.  If I want a new laptop, I get one.  If I don’t like what is on my television, I keep flipping until I find what entertains me.  My life is all about me.

I’ve been reading a book called “Kisses from Katie” by Katie Davis.  If you haven’t read it, I believe that all people Christians and non-believers should definitely take a few hours and read it.  It has changed my viewpoint so much and aligned it back to the Scriptures.  Here is an excerpt that so powerfully spoke to me.

Once there was a people who surveyed the resources of the world and said to each other: “How can we be sure that we will have enough in hard times?  We want to survive whatever happens.  Let us start collecting food, materials, and knowledge so that we are safe and secure when a crisis occurs.”  So they started hoarding, so much and so eagerly that the other peoples protested and said: “You have so much more than you need, while we don’t have enough to survive.  Give us part of your wealth!”  But the fearful hoarders said: “No, no, we need to keep this in case of an emergency, in case things go bad for us too, in case our lives are threatened.”  But the others said: “We are dying now, please give us food and materials and knowledge to survive.  We can’t wait…we need it now!”  Then the fearful hoarders became even more fearful, since they became afraid that the poor and hungry would attack them.  So they said to one another: “Let us build walls around our wealth so that no stranger can take it form us.”  They started erecting walls so high that they could not even see anymore whether their enemies were outside the walls or not!  As their fear increased they told each other: “Our enemies have become so numerous that they may be able to tear down our walls.  Our walls are not strong enough to keep them away.  We need to put bombs at the top of the walls so that nobody will dare to even come close to us.”  But instead of feeling safe and secure behind their armed walls they found themselves trapped in the prison they had build with their own fear.  They even became afraid of their own bombs, wondering if they might harm themselves more than their enemy.  And gradually they realized their fear of death had brought them closer to it.

I had recently been back to the States and seen and realized this fear.  A very real fear that if we gave everything away, we wouldn’t have enough for ourselves.  Back in my new home (Uganda) I saw the consequences of children starving to death, sleeping under rags and in chicken feces, withering away from disease.  In our fear, even many of us who claimed to believe in Christ were failing to do what He said for the least of His people.  

Fear.  It’s a part of human nature, but it’s not something we got from God.  Second Timothy 1:7 says: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  When I imagine God creating each one of us and planting a purpose deep in our hearts, I never imagine that purpose being mediocrity.  While the Bible doesn’t clearly tell every person on earth specifically what his or her life’s calling will be, it does include a lot of general direction: 

“You are to find the least of these.” Yes.

“You are to leave your earthly possessions and come follow me.” Yes.

“You are to love and serve the Lord God with all of your heart and love your neighbor as yourself.” Yes.

“You are to go and make disciples of all nations.” Yes.

“You are the entertain strangers and lepers and tax collectors.” Yes.

“You are to show mercy.” Yes.

“You are to live a life of mediocrity and abundance, holding on tight to your comfortable lifestyle, lest you lose it.” NO.

I don’t think so.  “Mediocrity and abundance” aren’t there.  However, mediocrity and abundance, comfort and ease, do seem to be safe choices for many people, including myself.  In stark contrast, leaving our possessions, following Jesus when we don’t have a well-defined plan, and entertaining strangers- well, that does sound a little scary.  But what if, just beyond that risk, just beyond that fear, is a life better than anything we have ever imagined: life to the fullest.  

Every day we have a choice.  We can stay nestled in our safe comfortable places…we can let fear of something that is really small compared to the greatness of God cripple us, or we can take a risk.  Do something to help someone else, make a person smile, change someone’s world.  Life to the fullest exists.  It’s available.  All we have to do is decide to embrace it  (Pages 99-101 of Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis).

What if today we embraced it.  What if today we decided that we don’t want to live life like everyone else.  Today, I want to live the way that YOU want me to live.  And ONLY YOU, LORD JESUS.  Today is the day to let the Spirit truly lead you down the path that He has already carved out ahead of you.  I pray that I can embrace that life.  I pray that I can truly seek more of Him and less of me.  Lord Jesus, give me what I need to get to that life.  May today be all about You, Lord Jesus.

I know my name.  I know my family.  I can taste my favorite drink.  I can feel my puppy dog Murphy’s hair.  I can walk around without any hindrances.  I can see the beautiful sunset clearly.  I can drive my car and remember exactly where I am going and how to get out.  I can cook a meal for my family and remember the ingredients and that the stove is on.  I can sit and talk with a friend and not repeat the exact same story over and over again.  Today, I can remember.  Today, I can remember those who can’t remember.

Many people walk for Alzheimer’s Tennessee because they see first hand the difficulties that come with the terrible disease of Alzheimer’s.  But today, I walk for a different reason.  My family has been blessed by the true blessing of not having to experience Alzheimer’s disease first hand.  I walk because I can.

So today, I do not walk for a grandmother or a grandfather.  I do not walk for a brother or a sister.  Today, I walk for your grandmother.  Today, I walk for your grandfather.  Today, I walk for the simple fact that I can walk.  Today, I want to remember those who can’t remember.

If you think it is too late to participate, it is not.  Even if your life has never been touched by Alzheimer’s, today, join us in the walk for the sheer fact that you can!  Join us because today you can choose to join!

Get involved.  Let you life be remembered for remembering those who can’t.  And remember keep Alzheimer’s first!

For more information, please contact www.AlzTennessee.org.  The Annual Knoxville Walk is TOMORROW WITH FESTIVITIES BEGINNING AT 9:00 A.M. AT THE UT GARDENS.

So my precious Mother-In-Love sent this message to me & my husband (her son) and my brother & sister-in-law a few weeks ago and there is so much wisdom in it that I HAD TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE!  She will probably kill me for this… but, wisdom is supposed to be shared!  I love you, Jeanie!

Gigi with Miss Georgia!

Unhappy with the snow and unhappy without it.

The recent snow storm has brought out some good sanctifying from the Lord in my heart.  It is funny to watch people’s comments right now because all opinions of snow are very clear!  The Lord has shown me just how discontent I am through other people’s discontent!  He does that sometimes… I can have a very critical spirit in me, so I very quickly start to pass judgement and then the Lord stops me in my tracks and reminds me of my own heart.

We are never content with what we look like, what we wear, how white our teeth are and if our hair style is in fashion or not. When we are bored, we immediately pull out our phones to either play a game or cruise through facebook to see what everyone else is doing.  We complain because we are too busy and when the weather forces us to slow down, we are frustrated with slowing down.  We wish we had more time to read our bibles, but then the Lord gives us more time and we choose to watch our favorite tv show instead.  We are constantly thinking about our comforts and our desires.  Have you ever wondered how many actual hours we spend thinking about our comforts?  That is a question for another day.

Why are we so discontent?  Well, why are we so discontent with only the things of this world?  Only the things that we are going to leave behind when we see Jesus face to face….

Maybe today is the day to become discontent with the things of this world that have eternal value.  What if we each shoveled our neighbor’s driveways?  What if we prepared an entire home cooked meal and left if for the widow who lives next door? What if we became discontent with how close to the Lord we walk?  What if instead of thinking about our waistline we started thinking about the Savior Who provides the only food that will last?  What if today we said we were only going to spend time in the Word and see where that led….what if we sold our televisions?  Our smartphones?  What if we sold everything that competed with The Voice of the Savior?

When is the last time you went an entire evening without technology and only focusing on the beautiful family that the Lord has blessed you with?  When is the last time you stopped, slowed down and looked up at the stars?  My challenge for today, slow down long enough to see Him: in the face of my little girl, in the sweet love of my husband, in the beautiful white covering on the ground and in the amazing stars He places above me every night.

2.13.15

Life is completely different.

I have a precious husband that I have now been married to for 8 years!  My sweet baby girl is a big one year old…. really, 15 months old, but who is counting?  My church has a new pastor, who should really be pastoring at some mega, crazy big church in a major big city, but is serving at our church in the middle of nowhere… literally, we call it God’s country… so far away!  The church is growing like crazy!  I had the amazing privilege to serve my God and my church by participating on the pastor search committee.  It was definitely one of the most amazing times of my life… there will be a completely separate post about that journey!  I have seen His amazing Hand at work so mightily.  But now what?

I am exhausted!  So extremely tired!  I can’t focus on what my name is, must less anything else.  The whirlwind has been so great… my now I can’t seem to catch my breath…

I can’t claim to feel exactly how the disciples felt after the resurrection, but I have to wonder if they though to themselves, “Okay, now what?”

I know The Lord is finished with me yet, but I am not sure what is next.  What does He want to do next with me?  With my family?  Maybe seminary?  Maybe a trip back to SE Asia?  Maybe a trip back to SE Asia with my family?  So, Lord, I am asking, “What now?”

My bible study today was about Psalm 46:10- “Cease striving and know that I am God.  And I will make my Name know among the nations.”  Be still.  Beth Moore says, “Don’t default to our past.  Don’t jump the gun to our future.  Just behold and know.  Instructions will come when the time is right.  In the meantime, just be —  even though being is so much harder than doing.”

So I now I am to be still and await instructions.  I hope that I have been faithful with all of my previous assignments and I pray that I am faithful with all of my future.  Use me and my family as YOU see fit.  Thank you, Jesus, for Your sweet word today.

1/21/15

As I sit here at Kbrew Coffee Shop on Broadway, I am left to think about all of the lost that I just drove through.  I just left Bearden area and drove through Sequoyah Hills… many, not all, of the people who live there have the blessing of money.  The Lord has granted them the ability to do anything for anyone anytime.

And then I continued on through campus.  It just so happened to be at class change, so I had to chance to see hundreds, or thousands, of students in the rat race of life chasing the next thing.  Many of those students are just bouncing from one desire to the next, never slowing down long enough to consider the Lord and what He wants.  Do I think the Lord is calling some of them to drop out of college and follow His leading?  Possibly.  Do I think the Lord has a great purpose for many of them if they would only stop and dwell on His Presence and face?  Absolutely.

And then my next turn took me through the part of Broadway that many people in Knoxville avoid, the section around Magnolia Ave.  This part of Broadway is where the homeless live in abundance.  It can be uncomfortable to see and it may even make you lock your doors again.  But have we ever slowed down long enough to think about what our Saviour would do in this part of Broadway?  Is it right to avoid it or run from it fast?  Is it right to try not to think about them?

And that places me where I am now, in the coffee shop, sitting and looking out the window as the cars drive by and each person walks in off of the street to get another dose of God’s gift to mankind… coffee!  What is He teaching me today?

The Lord knows that I want to serve Him with every fiber of my being.  The Lord knows that He controls my days and my actions in those days.  The Lord knows that I want to be obedient more than anything else.  So, I am here now, Lord.  I acknowledge Your Presence and Your direction and Your leadership in my day today.  I sit and wait for you to show me what is next on this journey.

The lost are all around us.  The hopeless are all around us.  The people seeking are sitting right next to us.  The question is, are we going to see them?  And if so, what are we going to do about it?

4.

How often do we fail to obey God’s clearly revealed Will because we do not exercise faith?

Sometimes God delays because He has to expand us so that we have enough faith to believe.

A season of delay so that God could display so that you can get deliverance.

Mark 5:19- The man who was healed begged God to let him go with Him, but Jesus denied him.  He told him that his job was there, that his ministry was there, and he obeyed.  Everyone marveled at him and then a church was formed.  Believers were formed.  The church grew because of his obedience to stay where God placed him.

He has to remove from us what we love best in order for Him to give us what we need most.

On the wings of his greatest agony, He is about to have his greatest awakening.  (Jairus)

They wanted the promise of the land, but not the presence of the Lord.

FATHER FORGIVE ME, FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO

How often do I not believe God to be true or real?  How often do I doubt Him?  How do I doubt His existence?

In the moment when Peter denied Christ, he said that He wasn’t real.  True.  The Savior.  The King.  I never say those words aloud, but how often do I say them with my actions?  Is God really big enough to help me?  Is He really big enough?  Is He really strong enough?  Does He really have control?

If God is big enough to help me overcome stress, then why do I choose coffee or chocolate or worry instead?

If God is big enough to overcome my hunger, then why do I say I can’t go a day without food, when I KNOW that fasting will connect me closer to my true lifeline?

If God is big enough to keep me safe, then why do I refuse to go to places that might be dangerous to share the Gospel?

If God is big enough to provide for me, then why do I refuse to give until it hurts?  Why do I refuse to give away more to others than store away for myself?  Is it wrong to make my life a life that requires God to intervene in order to survive?  Is it “immature” to be radically obedient in giving all… all time, all money, all of my life for the Gospel?

If God calls true religion “taking care of orphans and widows” then what am I doing today for them?  Why did I only do 12 shoeboxes?  Why don’t I foster kids?  What widow have I invited to be a part of my life all of the time?

If God says He will provide for all of my needs, why do I force myself to do it all by myself?

If God supplies all money, why do I limit my obedience to the money I have?

If God is who He says He is, then why don’t I believe Him?  Why don’t I believe Him?  Why don’t I believe Him?  If I don’t believe Him, then who do I really say that I am?  A follower of Christ who doesn’t believe Him?  Or do we believe Him on the surface where it is comfortable to believe Him?  But what about where it is uncomfortable to believe Him…. What about then?

[This is where I am with the Lord right now.  The lessons that He is currently revealing to me.  He is working on me… growing me, sanctifying me, changing me and convicting me.  I pray that He works in you the way that He desires to work in you.  And I pray that I am always growing in love for Him.  Grow my love for You, Father.  Grow my love for You.]