This month I have been exposed to four different people whose journeys ended before they should have. These people were drowning in their own darkness. These people either had addictions or suffered from a mental anguish of health that took them down a road they never intended. These four precious souls were all struggling. Their struggles were known in many cases, but in others they were not.
This month, I am 8 months into my 39th year of life. (Meaning, I turn 40 in four months! PARTY!) However, I would be remiss to not pause and take account for the miracle it is that I have even arrived here. Mental health is real. What we don’t understand or want to speak to is that all mental, spiritual, physical and emotional health are interwoven into the human body. We are either healthy in all or unhealthy in all – they do not work separately. As I have attended two funerals this month for lives gone way too short, I am faced with my own reality. Life is short. Life is hard. Life can be torment. But God is good.
In my own journey there have been seasons when it was all too overwhelming and I didn’t see how I could possibly make it through. There have been many nights of weeping in my own prayer closet begging God to make it all go away or to take me home. There have been moments when in my own darkness I have begged for God to make it all end. And God met me there.
My own curse is the struggle to live in the right now and not in the yesterday or tomorrow. I am sure that I am not alone. My own curse is to make sure everyone is taken care of and that all is as it should be. My own curse is to pour out mental anguish to cover all the bases and forget nothing. My own curse is to create the best fun, most efficient and productive space, while also leaving a lasting impression legacy. My own curse is to pretend to be God to the point of exhaustion and then remember that God is actually God and I am called to much less. My own curse is overanalyzing every human interaction to the point of paralysis instead of releasing it all and walking in true freedom. My own curse is to wonder if I will ever be enough for those in my life. My own curse is to constantly allow the enemy to whisper lies to my own soul and then have them on a highlight reel in my own personal television behind the eyes. My own curse is creating an image of myself that no one in the real world has ever thought or saw. My own curse is heavy. My own curse is lonely. My own curse is bondage.
Jesus has already set me free.
But in the midst of darkness that truth can feel so far away. Seek Jesus.
Our world needs Christians to be Christ-like. Jesus was present with the people and vulnerable with others. Jesus comforted and loved powerfully. Jesus was full of the Spirit and led of the Spirit. Jesus reached out and walked with.
For those struggling in mental battles, you are not alone. Most people are. Seek Jesus. Jesus is always with you and your journey is not over – do NOT let the lies of the enemy tell you that your burden is too heavy for you to keep carrying. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you. If you are choosing to self medicate, through drugs/alcohol/busyness/food – stop. Seek Jesus. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.
Your pains are never without purpose.
On more than one occasion, the enemy’s voice has held a microphone in my mind. Don’t let him hold one in yours.
Seek Jesus. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.
If you are not in one of these dark spots, be thankful, and listen to the Spirit as He leads you to people. He is calling you to call people because they are in a darkness that no one knows or understands.
Each of us must seek Jesus. Obey His Spirit.
If you do not know Jesus personally, relationally, today you can – seek Him and you will find Him when you seek Him with your whole heart.
Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.
It all started with a broken mirror, my leg through the back deck and the death of Maggie Smith.
I am 39 years old and one month. I have only 11 more months left of my thirties. I LOVE slowing down long enough to attempt to take stock of my status and situation. I am hoping to better sit in the days of my 39th year, more than ever before. These last days of my thirties come with a deep longing to finalize a season of my life and embrace the next by building a new foundation of joy and surrender. Tonight, I had the glorious privilege to celebrate two people who have poured into me in my most formative years and their residual effect has an ongoing and ever-present indelible mark on mine and my husband’s lives. As I looked at the small sampling of lives they had touched, which I hope to speak on in a very near future day, I was forced to encounter the things that really matter in this life.
Relationships and true rest matters.
My childhood was FUN. Full of mission, dreams, purpose and constant laughter. My college years was also incredibly fun full of leading young ladies closer to Jesus and attending the greatest university ever, UT Knoxville. My young adult years were full of adventure with a mix of a bit of sorrow along the way. As I am knocking on the “over the hill” age, I must review and determine what do the next days look like.
My whole life I have ran hard – hard towards success and busyness. I am one that has always struggled with stillness and slowness. I am one that finds it quite challenging to just “be”. As Dr. Dalton-Smith states in Sacred Rest, “I am prone to overdo things. I overplan every family vacation. I do everything to the utmost. I take to the extreme those situations that are content being small. Small intimidates me.” And I could not possibly agree with this more! I have trained myself for the last nine years to squeeze in as much as possible into the 24 hours given every single day. I ran so intensely, that this summer I realized I was one year older than I had actually thought. In one summer, I went from being 37 years old to having a few months left of being 38. That’s a problem. And now that I am thoroughly 39 years old, it is time that I unlearn the skill of maximizing every single day and find a path that leads to success in stillness and rest. When you are constantly running, relationships suffer, no matter how hard you try to protect them.
“Life is hard to appreciate without the pressing,” says Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith in Sacred Rest.
I dare say my last 9 years have been full of constant pressing. I won’t take the time to go into those details – read previous blogs for details – I tend to cope with humanity and life via writing. It is my way. And if someone can benefit, I am truly blessed. I have been given more than one lady deserves to be blessed with. I have an outstanding family, true and genuine faith, successful career, strong tribe, adventurous home and abundant life. I have been given opportunities that many dream of. I have seen many sites and embraced many unlike myself. I have more appreciation today than ever before in my short 39 years of life.
Some of my most recent pressing cases lie in the morning of my 39th birthday. I awake after three hours of sleep due to yet another delayed flight home to find my mirror in my bathroom leaning away from the wall and headed for actual doom. By the grace of God, it snugly propped itself against an item my husband had left plugged up. And now, I am faced with the fact that a controlled break is always better than an uncontrolled one – so I had to move the massive mirror in order to protect myself from the hundreds of shards of glass that would definitely await me if I delayed the movement. So, I did it – I broke a large mirror on my birthday. Which in superstition land, brings many years bad luck. Now, to speak of the fact that I later stepped through a wooden piece on my deck due to the heavy rains and great need for replacement wood and that I am still nursing the bruise from that endeavor, doesn’t reflect the broken mirror. OR that later that day one of the greatest actresses Maggie Smith passed away, I am sure that wasn’t a reflection of the mirror. OR any of the other really dreadful moments…. because broken mirrors mean nothing, right? 🙂 Well, in this case, it meant before thirty days was up, my sweet mother-in-law had completely redesigned and redecorated the bathroom and bedroom master suite.
I digress. Now onto more important things – I just finished a book that I would like to take a moment to HIGHLY recommend, Sacred Rest by Dr. Dalton-Smith. This book provided many of the answers I needed and direction my soul desired at this season of my life. She speaks of the importance of physical rest, sensory rest, mental rest, emotional rest, spiritual rest, social rest, and creative rest. In the beginning you get the privilege of taking a quiz – in which I failed in every category but one when I took it this summer.
I found a new life motto:
“I never again want to bring the toxins of work life into the sanctuary of my home. I’ve made this a key part of my rest strategy. My home and my life are far from perfect, but they are worth protecting from unrest.” says Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith in Sacred Rest.
“Victory is Coming” is a statement that has been molded into the fabric of my heart and mind over these last few years. Victory doesn’t always look like what we imagine or what we write on a sheet of paper. Victory may not look like victory to all who are watching. Victory is defined as an act of defeating an opponent or enemy. As you all know, I am a believer in Jesus Christ and believe strongly that we are always fighting against one enemy in this world. Victory is when the true enemy is defeated – but also, each war has many small victories along the way. As a believer in Jesus and a follower of Him, we are always pursuing obedience, and each moment of obedience brings victory.
I have started this new season with the following:
Making a work change that will bring a better work and life balance in bringing me back to my home base.
Redecorating and redesigning my bedroom space to reflect the level of importance this space should have in my life.
Prioritizing my time of study and prayer with the Word of God and the Lord Himself.
Giving my husband and children the best of me and not the leftovers.
Eating foods that fuel my body and not destroy it.
Walking and exercising daily.
Prioritizing my own rest and creating a space for me.
Taking herbal supplements that create a better version of me.
READING consistently again.
Relationships matter. Make them a priority. People are needed in your life to keep it full and help you stay obedient.
My prayer is that each day I am focused on what matters most. Every day needs a new amount of grace. Thankfully, the Lord’s mercies are new every morning.
In conclusion, the mirror triggered the physical change to the beginning of my emotional and mental state of mind – rest. The leg is still bruised from going through the back porch deck, and Lord Willing, the deck gets repaired soon. And Maggie Smith is still a legendary actor, may she rest in peace.
Please disregard the mess of my counter tops – survival mode here, folks. OR don’t disregard and judge me – I am okay with that. OR don’t disregard and relate with me to toooooo many things taken over my peace. Either way, it’s all good and the bathroom looks totally different today.
The last ten years of life have created more stress than I ever dreamed one person, one family, could experience. In bullet point fashion, let me incredibly briefly share the load:
⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: growth of my own family through infertility and adoption and cleft palates
⁃ Physical: Illness equating to my father being in the hospital every holiday for a solid two years
⁃ Spiritual: Two massive church splits
⁃ Emotional: My oldest niece adopting four amazing kiddos
⁃ Emotional, Mental, Physical, Spiritual: the loss of my sister, my father, Clif’s grandmother, and Clif’s uncle
⁃ Spiritual: attempting to rebuild relationships with people and attempting to build new friends
⁃ Physical: stress killing me AKA weight gain and new food allergies
⁃ Emotional: family dynamics looking radically different
⁃ Emotional: watching dementia move into our family
⁃ Emotional and Mental: the amazing company I work for was purchased and all the changes that come with the beauty of realignments, new team members, new processes
⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: greater battles than ever seen before in my own home front
⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: stepping away from all of the ministries and volunteering that consumed my schedule in search of more peace and true connection and meaning
⁃ Emotional: loving on two sweet foster babies for one year with my oldest niece
⁃ Emotional: watching my youngest niece celebrate high school ceremonies and start college without my sister
⁃ Emotional: watching my sister’s three girls expand and grow without the joy present of my sister
⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: losing everything that seems normal to me
⁃ Spiritual: determining what in the world God wants to do with me now
⁃ And that is just to name a few….
And then we book a trip for all 16 of my family members to ALASKA. Yes, that’s a lot of people. Yes, we all have super strong personalities. Yes, we are all painful when we get cranky. Yes, we know when to spend less time together. Yes, everyone came home alive.
I asked around and determined Royal Caribbean’s Quantum of the Seas was for us! We chose July 4th week for many reasons – and loved that we did. We chose the easier option of docking in and out of Seattle being that we were travelling from Knoxville, Tennessee, to the other side of the country. And as many of you know, we flew Delta- where all the kiddos got pilot wings and airplane trading cards. Be sure to try their chicken salad box for purchase – we highly recommend. Don’t forget to ask for wheelchair assistance with your airline if your party needs that- it created the greatest experience for my mom.
We made plans to spend the weekend in Seattle and so glad we did! We enjoyed seeing all there is to see at Pike Place market, Luke’s lobster rolls, Soul Cycle, the original Starbucks, Elliott’s Oyster House, Seattle Mariners game, and, of course climbing Mount Rainer. I won’t share the hotel we stayed in because I wasn’t super happy with the experience. I only talk about the excellent things. And the other stuff I try to forget. Being that we had 16 people of all ages, we divided and conquered a lot. But it was all amazing!
We ubered to the boat dock and I was thoroughly impressed with the entire onboarding experience- especially since my mom needed wheelchair support. Royal Caribbean has logistics down to a beautiful science. I had never been on a cruise ship before nor travelled this way via water. No one in my room was ever seasick nor felt uneasy about the large ship. We had all of the medicines, but none were needed, thankfully.
We chose the ship that stopped in Sitka, Skagway, Juneau, and Victoria. We had two full days at sea on our seven day trip.
I’ve been told that “water triggers our parasympathetic nervous system.
I am a big believer that God created this world for His Glory and our good. As God was speaking and creation was responding, we see God do miraculous things with His very Word. For reference, check out the powerful historical timeline of Genesis 1 & 2. God’s Word carries power and weight. His Word creates, and creates things the first time in a way that can reproduce itself. God’s Word on any situation causes changes to occur. God’s Word impacts hearts and souls – hard and soft. I was mesmerized by all that my eyes could see. I was mesmerized with all of the creatures I was able to behold – eagles, whales, sea otters, and seals. I was astonished with views of ocean waves, mountains green and snow covered, waterfalls, small towns, lakes and rivers, and don’t forget the small town Alaskan folks thrilled to meet you.
My soul needed rest.
My body needed rest.
My mind needed rest.
My calendar needed rest.
My heart needed quiet stillness.
Frequently, I have been reminded of the historical narrative of Peter walking on the water to Jesus, especially when I was on a boat (ship) surrounded by water.
Matthew 14:22-33
Immediately He (JESUS) made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He sent the crowds away. After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone. But the boat was already a long distance from the land, battered by the waves; for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “You are certainly God’s Son!”
How often do I focus and meditate on the wind? How often do I become frightened by the very thing that God controls, Jesus controls? Why do I let that “thing” sink me, when my Saviour says, “Come!”
Lord, I long to live as the version of Peter that climbed out of the boat and walked. Lord, I ask that you give me the strength and power to fixate my eyes solely on your face. In Your eyes.
The water that surrounded us washed over my soul. Being immersed in God’s creation without a schedule and internet wrote a new rhythm on my heart and my mind. Today, I choose to be in the midst of things that matter. I choose to focus my eyes on Jesus and those things that do not align are removed. The peace of God consumed my trip and I am beyond thankful for the time He met with me there.
In Sitka, Clif and I experienced a bike and hike which was super fun – Thimbleberry Lake Trailhead not on e-bikes but real bikes! I could live in Sitka – 8,500 people and 14 miles of paved roads. A simpler life. We also enjoyed eating reindeer and blueberry soda from a local food truck. Not to mention purchasing SALT from Alaska Pure Sea Salt! If you want to see bears, this is the place. Also, your photographer husband will be sad for days if he doesn’t see a bear. Make note. 😆 In Skagway, the entire family rode on the White Pass Yukon Route Railroad and it was incredible. I highly recommend you bring snacks and coffee onboard and they only provide bottled water. We also enjoyed an Alaskan Fry Bread at Klondike Doughboy. Amazing! I could live here too! We were able to experience 4th of July celebrations in this small town – tug of war and contests. It was incredible!
In Juneau, my brother and family did the special excursion that took you on a boat off of our ship that was much closer to the glacier and wildlife – Endicott Arm and Dawes Glacier. They loved it! Also, in Juneau many of us explored over to the Mendenhall Glacier and waterfall. It did include a one mile paved hike, so I recommend renting a wheelchair for this event. It was beautiful – on our drive there we saw eagles everywhere. Also, I heard the crab legs were excellent! In Victoria, I was thoroughly overwhelmed with its beauty. Our crew broke off and did many things – e-bikes around the city, photography around the city, shopping around the city and tea room. This is a city I would make plans to go back for more time. The Abkhazi Garden was divine with its tea room experience. And the town was gorgeous with its Fairmont Empress Hotel, sailboat harbor, China Town, and British Columbia Parliament building. It was a very quick trip to this stop, but it was well worth the time.
None of this includes the family feud night, silent disco, Bingo, speakeasy with live music, workout center overlooking the ocean, running the track above the ship, ice cream Skip Bo game, Taco Goat Cat Cheese Pizza game, Bananagrams game, watching the sun go down at midnight, every hour on the hour, virgin pina coladas, incredible dining experiences and the spa! And so much time in the pools!
And we experienced a beautiful time spent with family. We made memories and every second of it I am thankful. My vow is to never waste a moment of this life. My vow is to keep striving to protect my rest and my peace. My vow is to continue to create relationships with those who truly care about me and for me. My vow is to keep my thoughts meaningful and uplifting – fighting against the critical spirit. My vow is to live life to the fullest and attempt to follow everywhere the Lord leads. My vow is to walk on the water keeping my eyes focused and unhindered.
The formal night. Lounging early morning while the rest of the world slept.Taken by Heather Haley… not Clifton Haley. 😂My people. Check out Amazon for Clifton Haley Photography Alaska Prints.
The Journey 