“I just want it to end.”

This month I have been exposed to four different people whose journeys ended before they should have. These people were drowning in their own darkness. These people either had addictions or suffered from a mental anguish of health that took them down a road they never intended. These four precious souls were all struggling. Their struggles were known in many cases, but in others they were not.

This month, I am 8 months into my 39th year of life. (Meaning, I turn 40 in four months! PARTY!) However, I would be remiss to not pause and take account for the miracle it is that I have even arrived here. Mental health is real. What we don’t understand or want to speak to is that all mental, spiritual, physical and emotional health are interwoven into the human body. We are either healthy in all or unhealthy in all – they do not work separately. As I have attended two funerals this month for lives gone way too short, I am faced with my own reality. Life is short. Life is hard. Life can be torment. But God is good.

In my own journey there have been seasons when it was all too overwhelming and I didn’t see how I could possibly make it through. There have been many nights of weeping in my own prayer closet begging God to make it all go away or to take me home. There have been moments when in my own darkness I have begged for God to make it all end. And God met me there.

My own curse is the struggle to live in the right now and not in the yesterday or tomorrow. I am sure that I am not alone. My own curse is to make sure everyone is taken care of and that all is as it should be. My own curse is to pour out mental anguish to cover all the bases and forget nothing. My own curse is to create the best fun, most efficient and productive space, while also leaving a lasting impression legacy. My own curse is to pretend to be God to the point of exhaustion and then remember that God is actually God and I am called to much less. My own curse is overanalyzing every human interaction to the point of paralysis instead of releasing it all and walking in true freedom. My own curse is to wonder if I will ever be enough for those in my life. My own curse is to constantly allow the enemy to whisper lies to my own soul and then have them on a highlight reel in my own personal television behind the eyes. My own curse is creating an image of myself that no one in the real world has ever thought or saw. My own curse is heavy. My own curse is lonely. My own curse is bondage.

Jesus has already set me free.

But in the midst of darkness that truth can feel so far away. Seek Jesus.

Our world needs Christians to be Christ-like. Jesus was present with the people and vulnerable with others. Jesus comforted and loved powerfully. Jesus was full of the Spirit and led of the Spirit. Jesus reached out and walked with.

For those struggling in mental battles, you are not alone. Most people are. Seek Jesus. Jesus is always with you and your journey is not over – do NOT let the lies of the enemy tell you that your burden is too heavy for you to keep carrying. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you. If you are choosing to self medicate, through drugs/alcohol/busyness/food – stop. Seek Jesus. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.

Your pains are never without purpose.

On more than one occasion, the enemy’s voice has held a microphone in my mind. Don’t let him hold one in yours.

Seek Jesus. Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.

If you are not in one of these dark spots, be thankful, and listen to the Spirit as He leads you to people. He is calling you to call people because they are in a darkness that no one knows or understands.

Each of us must seek Jesus. Obey His Spirit.

If you do not know Jesus personally, relationally, today you can – seek Him and you will find Him when you seek Him with your whole heart.

Jesus will carry your burden. Cast your cares upon the Lord, for HE cares for you.

My Alaskan Cruise & Rest

My. My. My.

The last ten years of life have created more stress than I ever dreamed one person, one family, could experience. In bullet point fashion, let me incredibly briefly share the load:

⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: growth of my own family through infertility and adoption and cleft palates

⁃ Physical: Illness equating to my father being in the hospital every holiday for a solid two years

⁃ Spiritual: Two massive church splits

⁃ Emotional: My oldest niece adopting four amazing kiddos

⁃ Emotional, Mental, Physical, Spiritual: the loss of my sister, my father, Clif’s grandmother, and Clif’s uncle

⁃ Spiritual: attempting to rebuild relationships with people and attempting to build new friends

⁃ Physical: stress killing me AKA weight gain and new food allergies

⁃ Emotional: family dynamics looking radically different

⁃ Emotional: watching dementia move into our family

⁃ Emotional and Mental: the amazing company I work for was purchased and all the changes that come with the beauty of realignments, new team members, new processes

⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: greater battles than ever seen before in my own home front

⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: stepping away from all of the ministries and volunteering that consumed my schedule in search of more peace and true connection and meaning

⁃ Emotional: loving on two sweet foster babies for one year with my oldest niece

⁃ Emotional: watching my youngest niece celebrate high school ceremonies and start college without my sister

⁃ Emotional: watching my sister’s three girls expand and grow without the joy present of my sister

⁃ Emotional, Physical, Mental & Spiritual: losing everything that seems normal to me

⁃ Spiritual: determining what in the world God wants to do with me now

⁃ And that is just to name a few….

And then we book a trip for all 16 of my family members to ALASKA. Yes, that’s a lot of people. Yes, we all have super strong personalities. Yes, we are all painful when we get cranky. Yes, we know when to spend less time together. Yes, everyone came home alive.

I asked around and determined Royal Caribbean’s Quantum of the Seas was for us! We chose July 4th week for many reasons – and loved that we did. We chose the easier option of docking in and out of Seattle being that we were travelling from Knoxville, Tennessee, to the other side of the country. And as many of you know, we flew Delta- where all the kiddos got pilot wings and airplane trading cards. Be sure to try their chicken salad box for purchase – we highly recommend. Don’t forget to ask for wheelchair assistance with your airline if your party needs that- it created the greatest experience for my mom.

We made plans to spend the weekend in Seattle and so glad we did! We enjoyed seeing all there is to see at Pike Place market, Luke’s lobster rolls, Soul Cycle, the original Starbucks, Elliott’s Oyster House, Seattle Mariners game, and, of course climbing Mount Rainer. I won’t share the hotel we stayed in because I wasn’t super happy with the experience. I only talk about the excellent things. And the other stuff I try to forget. Being that we had 16 people of all ages, we divided and conquered a lot. But it was all amazing!

We ubered to the boat dock and I was thoroughly impressed with the entire onboarding experience- especially since my mom needed wheelchair support. Royal Caribbean has logistics down to a beautiful science. I had never been on a cruise ship before nor travelled this way via water. No one in my room was ever seasick nor felt uneasy about the large ship. We had all of the medicines, but none were needed, thankfully.

We chose the ship that stopped in Sitka, Skagway, Juneau, and Victoria. We had two full days at sea on our seven day trip.

I’ve been told that “water triggers our parasympathetic nervous system.

In this state, your heart rate and blood pressure lowers, your digestion is stimulated and your body is able to relax.” Source: https://womenandwavessociety.com/8-reasons-why-being-in-on-or-around-water-makes-you-feel-so-good/

I am a big believer that God created this world for His Glory and our good. As God was speaking and creation was responding, we see God do miraculous things with His very Word. For reference, check out the powerful historical timeline of Genesis 1 & 2. God’s Word carries power and weight. His Word creates, and creates things the first time in a way that can reproduce itself. God’s Word on any situation causes changes to occur. God’s Word impacts hearts and souls – hard and soft. I was mesmerized by all that my eyes could see. I was mesmerized with all of the creatures I was able to behold – eagles, whales, sea otters, and seals. I was astonished with views of ocean waves, mountains green and snow covered, waterfalls, small towns, lakes and rivers, and don’t forget the small town Alaskan folks thrilled to meet you.

My soul needed rest.

My body needed rest.

My mind needed rest.

My calendar needed rest.

My heart needed quiet stillness.

Frequently, I have been reminded of the historical narrative of Peter walking on the water to Jesus, especially when I was on a boat (ship) surrounded by water.

Matthew 14:22-33

Immediately He (JESUS) made the disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side, while He sent the crowds away. After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone. But the boat was already a long distance from the land, battered by the waves; for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night He came to them, walking on the sea. When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter said to Him, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind stopped. And those who were in the boat worshiped Him, saying, “You are certainly God’s Son!”

How often do I focus and meditate on the wind? How often do I become frightened by the very thing that God controls, Jesus controls? Why do I let that “thing” sink me, when my Saviour says, “Come!”

Lord, I long to live as the version of Peter that climbed out of the boat and walked. Lord, I ask that you give me the strength and power to fixate my eyes solely on your face. In Your eyes.

The water that surrounded us washed over my soul. Being immersed in God’s creation without a schedule and internet wrote a new rhythm on my heart and my mind. Today, I choose to be in the midst of things that matter. I choose to focus my eyes on Jesus and those things that do not align are removed. The peace of God consumed my trip and I am beyond thankful for the time He met with me there.

In Sitka, Clif and I experienced a bike and hike which was super fun – Thimbleberry Lake Trailhead not on e-bikes but real bikes! I could live in Sitka – 8,500 people and 14 miles of paved roads. A simpler life. We also enjoyed eating reindeer and blueberry soda from a local food truck. Not to mention purchasing SALT from Alaska Pure Sea Salt! If you want to see bears, this is the place. Also, your photographer husband will be sad for days if he doesn’t see a bear. Make note. 😆 In Skagway, the entire family rode on the White Pass Yukon Route Railroad and it was incredible. I highly recommend you bring snacks and coffee onboard and they only provide bottled water. We also enjoyed an Alaskan Fry Bread at Klondike Doughboy. Amazing! I could live here too! We were able to experience 4th of July celebrations in this small town – tug of war and contests. It was incredible!

In Juneau, my brother and family did the special excursion that took you on a boat off of our ship that was much closer to the glacier and wildlife – Endicott Arm and Dawes Glacier. They loved it! Also, in Juneau many of us explored over to the Mendenhall Glacier and waterfall. It did include a one mile paved hike, so I recommend renting a wheelchair for this event. It was beautiful – on our drive there we saw eagles everywhere. Also, I heard the crab legs were excellent! In Victoria, I was thoroughly overwhelmed with its beauty. Our crew broke off and did many things – e-bikes around the city, photography around the city, shopping around the city and tea room. This is a city I would make plans to go back for more time. The Abkhazi Garden was divine with its tea room experience. And the town was gorgeous with its Fairmont Empress Hotel, sailboat harbor, China Town, and British Columbia Parliament building. It was a very quick trip to this stop, but it was well worth the time.

None of this includes the family feud night, silent disco, Bingo, speakeasy with live music, workout center overlooking the ocean, running the track above the ship, ice cream Skip Bo game, Taco Goat Cat Cheese Pizza game, Bananagrams game, watching the sun go down at midnight, every hour on the hour, virgin pina coladas, incredible dining experiences and the spa! And so much time in the pools!

And we experienced a beautiful time spent with family. We made memories and every second of it I am thankful. My vow is to never waste a moment of this life. My vow is to keep striving to protect my rest and my peace. My vow is to continue to create relationships with those who truly care about me and for me. My vow is to keep my thoughts meaningful and uplifting – fighting against the critical spirit. My vow is to live life to the fullest and attempt to follow everywhere the Lord leads. My vow is to walk on the water keeping my eyes focused and unhindered.

The formal night.
Lounging early morning while the rest of the world slept.
Taken by Heather Haley… not Clifton Haley. 😂
My people.
Check out Amazon for Clifton Haley Photography Alaska Prints.