5,840 days. 16 years. Every person experiences a life full of something. We as humans have the tendency to view others around us as “better” or “easier” or “prettier” or “fill in the blank”. Rarely do we see situations or people as the reality that actually exists. Even more rare, is when we see ourselves with the eyes that the Lord sees us with, the true reality of who we are. More times than not, we capture this idea of what we are by what others speak over us – and knowing how little we each really understand or know about each other- think about how dangerous this very act is. Grace is very uncommon in our society. Forgiveness, patience and kindness are disappearing at a faster rate than anyone could have ever expected.

This past week, I experienced my two favorite days of the entire year – Christmas and my 16th wedding anniversary. There is a reason that these two days are so closely together and that I have a full month of celebrations and memories to reflect and feel. As I prepared for Christmas, my goal this year was to make sure that I wasn’t running wild trying to check off my to do list. This year, I wanted items purchased and wrapped well in advance. I wanted to sit and embrace the lights of the tree with the to do list completed. I wanted to celebrate and truly experience the season of lights with joy, peace and patience. I was reminded of a song, “Is there any wonder?” by Travis Cottrell that my church praise team sang many years ago.

“Is there any wonder? That this night is filled with miracles and mystery and unrelenting splendor. Is there any wonder? That the skies are live with angels shouting “Glorious, today you have a Saviour!” A throne was bare, while glory fills the manger with God with us is like a stranger here. Do we fall on our knees and thank God for so much mercy? Fall on our knees and cry out, we are so unworthy? Fall on our knees to the sound of ‘Holy Holy,’ until it shakes our souls like thunder… is there any wonder? Is there any wonder? While the baby sleeps there is a hill not far away where His life will be offered. Is there any wonder? Even now the tree that one day would become his cross grows just like any other. A child is born, and the world is changed forever behold the Lamb, the Lamb that sinners slain. Do we fall on our knees and thank God for so much mercy? Fall on our knees and cry out, we are so unworthy? Fall on our knees to the sound of ‘Holy Holy,’ until it shakes our souls like thunder… is there any wonder? We hear the stories, we sing the songs… but is there any wonder left in us at all?”

I adore this song. It is full of questions probing my thoughts, my beliefs, my foundations about this amazing Saviour, the unparalleled God and unmatchable Spirit that created a way for us to belong. The Lord God that crossed all of the course of time, from Creator to creation. To redemption in the only way that it could have been received – sacrificing all for me. I don’t begin to state that I understand – in fact, I think the more we learn about God, the more we realize we know very little. The more He reveals to us in relationship and fellowship with Him, the more faith we need and build in walking every day. I pray each Christmas, my wonderment increases. My sense of joy of the Father and fellowship grows in new and deeper ways. Which, as we face trials and pain, I have found, the depth of your fellowship takes new shape and new form. No longer do you walk in every day natural joy and purpose, but we must choose it. We must take account and inventory if we are going to choose life in our living.

I love more than anything that I had a Christmas wedding. Yes, we sang “Oh, Holy Night” and “Tender Tennessee Christmas” was played. Oh and we cannot forget that my precious niece sang “Silent Night” in German. It was a candlelit moment in time, in which one sweet lady said it was the “most beautiful wedding she had ever experienced” and “experienced” is the word I was desiring. Not just another wedding ceremony that people watch awkwardly, but truly experienced and felt. And may we not forget the fact that I am the most amazing Christmas gift Clif could have ever received… haha. I love this because our Covenant ceremony is placed perfectly between remembering The Birth that defines us and changes us AND the start of a new year. The launch point of Christ’s birth is our foundation. Without this foundation, we are two souls destined for loss and despair. Without this foundation, we are not able to do the incomprehensible – two sinful, selfish humans coming together in unity to become one being in physical, emotional and spiritual wholeness. Sixteen years into this journey, we are still learning what this means. We were reflecting with each other about the years we have been together and came to realize that we had been married 5,840 days. Being that we LOVE studying numbers in scripture we quickly realized that our years together are definitely defined by the numbers here – 5 equals ‘grace’ in scripture; 8 equals ‘new beginnings’ and 40 equals ‘tribulation’. There are not any better words to describe our short time together.

Every year of our marriage, we can give real life examples of the tribulations we have faced. Sure, we post great photos on social media that show the highs, but those highs are captured in the “in between” times. Our first two years of marriage are indelibly marked by us watching Clif’s father die from stage four colon cancer. The next three years were defined by not being able to conceive a sweet baby of our own. Then the next two were full of cleft surgeries for our gift from God, Georgia Ruth. And of course, wild man Joel enters the scene – but those next two years are defined with the constant unknowing and walking faith of whether Joel Nathaniel would be ours forever. The next three years were starkly defined by my father’s constant hospitalizations. Not to mention, massive church hurt and the splitting of our church, twice. Lifetime friendships disappearing like a ship out to sea. And then – the loss of my sister to Covid. Despair and Darkness. A core regrouping of faith and family. And the many other battles that attempted to take out our marriage, our health, our family and our lives in 2021. The constant need of GRACE defines us. The constant need of NEW BEGINNINGS defines us. The constant hits of tribulation mark our story.

Yes, you see the smiles. Yes, you see the laughter. But the tears and struggles in the deepest part of our souls are there. It’s through the tears and the pains that make the smile brighter and the laughter richer. Recently, we have had the honor of leading in worship at our church together. There are not many sweeter things than this. Serving with your spouse and covenant partner is one of the most rewarding joys in our journey. We have went through seasons that have rocked us to the foundation. And instead of running, which is my response to all things difficult, we clung together. Many days, Clif clinging to me – thank God He is stable in my madness. These days are sweeter together. When I have tried to consider my life without him, the unweaving is impossible. We are matted together. We are so connected it is impossible to undo. It is unfathomable for either of us to truly survive if apart. Which, by design, I am thankful for.

We have a sign in our living room from a Hillsong song that speaks so powerfully to my soul, and as my son was reading it out loud last night it really came to life in a whole new way….

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters,
Wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,
And my faith will be made stronger,
In the presence of my Saviour”

I have always longed for my God to lead me to deep places with Him. Intimate places that only He could define over me. I have prayed this prayer so many times, but never did I realize that all of the journey I have walked in have allowed Him to remove my borders. He has removed the borders of what I thought I could trust and where I thought I could go – He has redefined the journey. My prayers today look and feel different than ever before. My ministry and mission are wildly unlike anything I expected and anticipated for myself, my marriage, my family and my home. In fact, during this season of Daniel Fast, Clif and myself are praying for exactly that – we honestly have no clue what 2023 holds, but we know He is at work in us and our family. We are believing God to continue to light the way as only He sees fit and we will keep walking in the light He gives. I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 13 when I think of the love Christ is building in us –

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

This year will be our best year yet, mainly because we are clay in the Hands of the Potter. This year, He continues to write on our hearts His story of redemption, love and peace. Only He knows what the next 362 days hold – and for that, I am thankful.

I will leave you with another song – an anthem I continue to sing over my home by Maverick City, “The Story I’ll Tell” –

“The hour is dark
And it’s hard to see
What You are doin’ here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know
That down through the years
I’ll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here

And I’ll testify of the battles You’ve won
How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough
And I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I’ve walked

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail!
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell
Singing, oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell

Believing gets hard
When options are few
When I can’t see what You’re doin’, I know that You’re proving
You’re the God who comes through
Oh, but I know (Woo, yeah)
That over the years
I’ll look back on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here

And I’ll testify of the battles You’ve won, yeah-yeah
How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough, oh
I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed, yes, I will
The waters You parted, the waves that I’ve walked (Woo)

And all that is left is highest praises, yeah, yeah
So sing hallelujah to the Rock of Ages”